There’s a new celebrity beef on the horizon: lean, mean, fighting machine Mark Wahlberg against the perfectly coiffed youngins of One Direction. It would clearly be a very uneven fight (even 5 vs. 1) but just wait until you hear why the actor wants to punch Harry Styles and co. “in the nose.”
Wahlberg aired his grievances on Conan this week and cited his One Direction rage as a byproduct of his young daughters’ infatuation with the boy band. “The girls have turned to One Direction, and it’s like they don’t care about dad anymore,” the dad of four complained. “My 4-year-old’s going ‘Daddy, I like Harry.’ And I’m like, ‘Well I’m gonna punch [19-year-old] Harry in the nose when I see him.'”
So, you see, this isn’t really about Harry, Niall, Zayn, Liam, and Louis doing anything wrong, the guys are just too charming and good looking, really. And dad’s jealous — he’s not Marky Mark anymore, after all.
But wait, Wahlberg’s rant didn’t end there. He continued on about his four-year-old’s infatuation. “She pulls out pictures of him, and she’s hiding pictures in the room, and I pretend that I’m gonna rip them up and I get jealous,” he said, “but if I see that little prick, he’s gonna get it.”
The actor even has a master plan of attack. “I could say, ‘Hey I really wanna meet One Direction, I’m a big fan,’ and invite them to the [Transformers 4] premiere,” he explained. “Maybe you can do the title track for the song, and then I would beat the crap out of them in a video.”
Conan thought the whole thing was comedic gold and continued prodding. He asked the star if his plan was to “lure One Direction to help you with a project, get them into a room, and then beat the crap out of Harry?”
“Probably all of them, actually,” Wahlberg replied. “I am gonna make a point to try to get my daughters to meet them. I’d rather do it now — my oldest is 10, and she’s into them as well.” he said, “and that’ll be the only time I’ll ever introduce them to a boy.”
“After that, they’re getting locked up,” he added, “It’s Rapunzel time.”
So, a few things we’ve learned here: If you’re in One Direction, DON’T go to anything Mark Wahlberg invites you to. And if you’re Mark Wahlberg’s daughters DO start listening to the Spice Girls or something.